If you suffered from divorce recently then the thought of second marriage looms over your head, you must be thinking to yourself if that marriage fails as well. What negative effects it will have on me and my family?
Fear of divorce will be imminent, no matter if you are contemplating your future, or thinking about dating someone new, even if you are just in a new relationship the thought of your divorce will always come across your mind.
It does not matter if you blame yourself or your partner the fear of happening it all over again will annoy you constantly. It’s a bitter truth but it can happen again. To avoid such problems, we recommend that you read our article, second marriage problems and how to handle them.
In The US alone the divorce rate for second marriage is 60% as compared to the divorce rate of first marriage which is 50%. Judging from the statistics, it is your right to be concerned.
Remarrying With Strength
If you have the necessary relationship experience, then you can rest a little easy because this experience is going to help you in your second marriage. Because with experience there comes great insight and self-awareness.
This experience is just like your professional life, if you are earning more money then it is likely that your life will become easier, likewise, if you have more experience then the chances of your marriage life going into a spiral is less.
People who marry for a second time usually take this decision when their children are older so they can understand what is happing and why it is happening more easily. It is also preferable that if your kids are bigger then you can focus more on your relationship than your kids.
The motivation for Second Marriage
Autonomy plays a big part in a new relationship or a second marriage. being more mature and older will lead to a more skilled life and you will be oozing with confidence.
Your friends and family will give you more support and they won’t give you any unnecessary pressure when it comes to a second marriage. Be your son, daughter, or friend all will focus on building your new family and try to avoid any relationship conflict that can arise.
You will experience increased motivation to make your newly formed relationship work. If you have gone through a tough divorce which included conflict, the separation you will be more than willing to put everything on the line and do everything in your power to make your second marriage work.
You may seek advice regarding Second marriage problems and how to handle them from friends, and to be honest we are your friends as we will guide you through this difficult phase.
14 Pitfalls To Avoid In Second Marriage.
1. Grievance That remains incomplete
Your presence in your newly formed relationship is most important. Starting over and starting a family with someone new and unfamiliar can be scary, it requires a lot of determination and effort from your end.
If you are still thinking about your previous relationship which has now ended and grieving about it for whatever reason, this will distract you from giving attention to your new relation.
Old feelings of anger despair and vengeance will act as stone walls that will separate you from establishing a solid relationship with your new partner.
2. Getting emotional about your first marriage
Think of this as a new rule, whenever you start your relationship with someone new you just have to let go of the past. The more you think about your past the more you will remain in it, think of your past as quicksand. The more you struggle the harder it becomes for you to break free.
Living in the past will have a serious stain on your newly build a relationship. Your new partner demands just one thing from you and that is commitment. The chances of your new relationship failing rely heavily on you and your ability to overcome the past.
3. Strong guilt over the first relationship
There can be numerous factors why a relationship might fail. It is quite common to blame yourself, maybe you’re thinking that you might have done something very horrible that resulted in the demise of your first marriage.
Regardless of what happened, it was all in the past, you should not look back at your past and move on. Having the guilt in your heart will do you no good, it will only make it difficult for you to move forward.
You need to overcome any guilt that you may have over the ending of your first marriage. If you can manage your guilt, then there is nothing stopping you from making everlasting bonds with your new life partner.
4. Dispute with Ex
Just because you are now remarried does not mean your relationship with your ex is over. This is especially the case when you have children. You need to limit your contact with your ex. If you ignore this all still be in contact with your ex, then it will send a very negative message to your current partner.
You should keep this factor in mind, your new partner can feel neglected and insecure. It can be difficult for you to create a life together if you are constantly living in the past and ignoring your partner.
5. Legal Dispute
Sometimes attaining a divorce can take years. You need to be strong so you can deal with this lengthy process. You also need to protect your rights, but you need to be careful not to invest so much time in your legal battle that you start ignoring your partner.
6. Ignoring your partner
It does not matter if it is your first relation or fourth, the most important thing to take into consideration is that you make your current partner your number one priority.
You must make your girlfriend/wife, boyfriend/Husband your number one priority, even more than your children. Believe it or not but this is better for your children as well.
When you invest more time with your partner you are actually making your bond stronger with them. A relationship based on a strong foundation of love and trust will survive the toughest of time.
The main thing is that you and your partner are together, the moments you share with your partner should be only between you and him. Think of this in a way if you give more priority to your children then your new partner will start to feel neglected.
Ultimately your new relationship will fail because you won’t be able to understand the needs of your partner, thus this will affect your children as they will have to suffer along with you on your new breakup.
7. Repeating the same relationship pattern that you had in your first marriage
Everybody can make mistakes as nobody is made perfect, your mistake may or may not have contributed to the demise of your relationship but still, you should avoid those mistakes in your new relationship.
Meanwhile, the efforts you made in your first marriage can be perceived as dysfunctional because now you are not with that same person. Every person is different so you should avoid such efforts as a whole.
Annualizing your relationship will give you a general idea of which habits you need to keep and which habits are toxic.
8. Blended Families
Whenever you commit to someone new or do a second marriage you are creating a complex new family community. Your children will experience new stepparents, or step-siblings even step-grandparents.
It was your decision to marry someone new, it was you who loved that person, not your children or your family. from your children’s standpoint they had no choice now they have to learn to accept their new stepsiblings.
Keep in mind the fact now only they will encounter new people they also have to live in a new house in a new neighborhood, furthermore you new partner has no birth authority on your kids.
Disciplining your kids also be a burden on your new partner. Children these days are more outspoken than ever, if they disrespect your partner your relationship will take a critical hit.
This factor may cause tension between you and your partner if these issues are not dealt with properly.
9. Kids Can Swallow you as a whole
Blended families, experiences chaotic situations during their first year, children can take advantage of this situation, as they assume the authority of the family belongs to them.
This situation creates chaos for all as this newly formed family stands at the brink of destruction.
10. The looming fear of rejection from stepchildren
When children are shared between two divorced parents, either of these two gets full custody. The kids keep on swinging back and forth between these two as a result kid starts to resist discipline.
When these parents exert discipline they are contently thinking to themselves, will they lose their beloved kids if they behave in this way with them, the fear of losing their beloved kids affect their relationship with them?
Due to this fear, many kids of the divorced parents go without any decline. They become rude and annoyed. When this happens children behave like they are in control of themselves and no one will question them for anything.
This thought becomes evident in these children as a result the family becomes dysfunctional. Your new partner may feel scared and annoyed by your children’s behavior resulting in a wedge between you and your partner.
11. Making a Comparison of your marriage
Every person is different, same is the case with families, every family has its own unique set of rules and by doing a comparison between two families you are not doing any favor for anyone. similarly, it is not wise to make a comparison between partners.
When you are comparing two people you are creating feelings of insecurity, and distrust between you and your partner.
12. Discussing finances with a new partner
Money is everything for some people. They cannot help themselves discussing finances. You should always avoid these types of discussions. This is very important if you are just starting your new marriage.
Many people put this factor on top of their list regarding second marriage problems. The best example of this can be taken on birthdays. You should buy equally expensive gifts for everyone’s birthday.
Regardless if it is your stepkid or not. You should not do any comparison between them. This can be only achieved when you avoid discussing such topics with your new partners
13. Dismissing signs of relationship deterioration
A second marriage relationship is no different than any other type of relationship. Sometimes these are the best things that can happen to you and other times it can be the worst thing ever.
You need to relax a bit, and you should not fear the breakdown of your second marriage, having said that you should not be relaxed enough that you close your mind regarding this, if you shut your eyes on this matter then the problems will only grow and multiply.
There are certain signs of relationship deterioration you should have a keen eye to spot these signs. Some of the signs include staying out late, depression, not wanting to talk. If you suspect such signs, then you should take them to your partner and sort out your concerns.
14. Avoiding going to therapy
Deteriorating relationships can be amended by going to a loving and caring relationship specialist. If you are having a problem with your marriage or sampling feeling that something is not right, then you should seek help.
Experienced professionals can provide you with the right amount of help that is needed. If you don’t go to a specialist, then no matter how much effort you put into your relationship you won’t be able to save your relationship
To sum it all up doing a second marriage will add new people to your family. This provides you with a great opportunity to make a new family that is loving and caring. Kindness is the key ingredient in any relationship.
Those relationships which lack kindness are destined to fail. Although you may have matured and gained experience, there are still lessons to be learned from your first marriage.
A new marriage may feel like new risks and complications but in the end, if you try hard enough and give it enough time all will correct itself, and you will begin your new healthy life with your new partner.
Amanda Love is a marriage consultant and a relation advisor. She is a lawyer by profession that mainly deals in the issues related to marriage, divorce and physical abuse.